And the possibilities it seems to offer.

-David Bowie, "Up The Hill Backwards"

Boy, what a summary of my life since getting my BS in math last year. I've been thinking ever since that, as much as I liked the subject, perhaps I'm not cut out for a career involving math, or, perhaps more pertinently, going back to school to get a graduate degree in the field.

In fact, I have very little idea what I want to do next. It was so nice living as I did for 16 years, knowing in general what the near future would bring in terms of tasks to be accomplished (school, school, and more school.)

I'm sure this applies to a lot of people, and this is probably an everything/nothing post. But it's almost midnight and I'm tired, so I'll keep typing anyway. Anyone who's had the pleasure of reading my midnight writing will understand why I don't drink (or will be surprised to learn that this is the case.)

Right... I'm in a rut, basically. I've been squandering an opportunity that many in their adult lives would relish: a year (and counting) with no great obligations to anyone but myself. Rather than use this time to get my life up to speed in areas I'd neglected (learning to drive, a social life) I've taken things one day at a time, and more often than not the only thing I can muster any will to do is play videogames.

What's more, I even fail at that, leaving several unfinished or perhaps not even starting them in a timely fashion.

It's either that, or hop on the Internet. I don't think I'm addicted, as I can spend days away from the computer without negative effects on my mood. It's just there and it's easy.

I have little self-discipline. I've toyed with the idea of starting some kind of rudimentary schedule for myself in absence of any such agenda being provided to me, but I can't even get to bed at the same reasonable hour each night.

It's not as though I'm completely ignorant of steps I could take to break out of this rut, either; I simply choose not to do them, because it's easy. "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." Oh God more song lyrics, if you've made it this far I admire your fortitude.

To muddy things further, I don't believe I'm afraid of hard work, and I have a piece of paper signed by The Terminator that attests to that. Concretely, I'm talking about literal employment. The thought of working doesn't appall me. But searching for a job that I'm suited for and can tolerate? That's just a pain in the ass. Hell, I did have a part-time job at the fair right out of school. It wasn't the most constantly demanding job, but there was hard work to be done, and I did it.

Anyone sigh yet at my talking of working at some non-career job as merely an option and not a necessity? I don't know how I can take myself seriously some times. Maybe I don't, and maybe that's tangled in the problem.

Returning to the beginning a bit, if I'm not cut out for what I spent four years studying, then what? Over the past year and a half or so I've kept my eyes open to things that seemed interesting to me (anything: hobbies, news, crusades) but nothing has grabbed me unequivocally. Not that I don't remain interested in anything, but it all seems peripheral to my daily life, except for videogames, a lifelong interest I haven't figured out what to do with outside of entertain myself. Expecting a bolt of the blue is too unrealistic, certainly.

Okay, my eyes are really heavy now, and I've rambled enough. And now the chorus, to provide myself with some assurance:

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Up the hill backwards
It'll be alright

Random comments on an entry as random as this are welcome.